Earth Hour’s non-burning of power just a trickle

Commodore doing a burnout

A Commodore lays rubber – lots of rubber.

MY OL’ man has a saying when he bears witness to something or a statement that’s a waste of time.

“It’s just a piss in the ocean, boy,” he says.

Yep, simple and concise. And turning the lights off for a couple of minutes in March to protest global warming more than qualifies.

No, seriously, why? What was the point? The hysteria surrounding global warming continues to grow at an even more alarming rate than the temperature. Our children’s children’s children’s great-grandchildren’s children’s children will be forced to wear SPF+10,000.

They’ll even have to wear full-body sunglasses — similar to those cool retro ones worn by Elton John in 1975. What’s the down side? Turning the lights off for five minutes wouldn’t have even helped the first set of children’s children. So, again I ask why? Let’s get serious. If we are going to turn something off to satisfy the global warming junkies — let’s really turn something off.

Let’s get medieval. For one whole day — starting zero hours GMT — tomorrow (I just made that date up just now), let’s turn the whole bloody thing off. But before I go on, I think it’s important to highlight another far more important issue than global warming.

Merging: Australian drivers have to learn how to bloody merge. The car slightly in front of you gets to go first, they call it the zipper principle (you know, like a zip being done up). Go to your nearest pair of jeans, do the zip up and undo it. It works just like that.

Right, back to the point … tomorrow, it’s candle time. Lights off, PlayStation controllers down — shut down the world . . . turn all the lights off. Get the global warming experts outside with their battery-powered measuring sticks to get an accurate picture of how much junk we are throwing into the air.

Otherwise, really, what’s the point of switching anything off at all for a couple of minutes? No point. Until we hit the big giant circuit breaker, we are just guessing — and not serious about solving the global luke-warming problem.

Sure, there will be riots, looting, pillaging and plenty of other reasonably bad things would happen, a murder or two, a baby boom (?) but that’d be a small price to pay for our children’s children’s children, wouldn’t it? Until then, just stop it. Stop the madness. On the other hand, we could solve the global warming problem with the bi-polar approach. We should try to use as much fossil fuel as possible as quickly as possible. Burn it all! Run everything we have at full speed. If it doesn’t need fossil fuel, modify it so it does. Your rake needs an engine.

Forget carbon trading — let’s use so much carbon that it stains our cPeople doing their part for Earth Hourlothes and fills our lungs like an 1800s coal miner. The world will get really hot while we are doing it. But once all the fossil fuels are gone, in theory (mine), the world should start to cool down in 250 years or so. Our children’s children’s children’s great-great-grandchildren’s children’s children will thank us.

But the reality is, I reckon no one will agree to turn the lights off on September 1 (because we aren’t that serious about global warming) so I’m off to do doughnuts in the nearest carpark in a sump-leaking, 1984 V8 Holden that doesn’t take unleaded, costs $120 to fill up and drinks more than a wino playing the 1c slot machines at the dirtiest casino in Las Vegas. Oh, I won’t stop the circle work until I melt the rubber off to the rims.

Just doing my part.

*This was first published in The Northern Territory News last decade. It still has relevance today.

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